Recently I have found myself channelling a new mum friend (let’s call her Judith – as I don’t think I know any actual Judiths), when reacting to unwanted behaviour in Rosemary. Judith always talks very calmly to her children and I have never heard her shout. Of course, for all I know, she screams and swears at them at home, but I don’t think so.
I have always aimed to be a mum who remains calm and talks in a happy voice, just adding a touch of firmness when something is very unwanted. And I think I go through phases of being successful and phases of failing dismally, where I end up shouting, screeching, stomping doors and, oh dear me, swearing. Fortunately, the latter are not too common, though there was a time during the terrible twos when it was probably approaching the norm, rather than the exception.
The thing is, though, at the moment I feel like I’m almost trying to sound exactly like Judith – not just to mimic her calmness and other methods, but to speak in her voice. Mimicry is something I’ve suffered from since I was child, actually. I have offended people on more than one occasion, because I’ve started speaking in their accent and they’ve assumed I’m taking the piss. I’m not. I just naturally take on the accent, register and tone of voice of the people I’m speaking to. It is weird, yes.
But, you know what? Weird though it is, I think it’s actually working. I think I’m (mostly) getting better responses from Rosemary when I’m being Judith, than when I’m being Tasha, because Tasha can get quite annoyed and snappy with her children, whereas Judith doesn’t. Judith gets down to ground level and explains why it’s not possible to scuba diving today; Tasha snaps, ‘Oh for goodness sake! For the billionth time, we canNOT go scuba diving today!’
So, I may just keep doing it. Though I’ll have to be careful that I don’t offend Judith by talking just like her in front of her!
Hmm, though probably Judith wouldn’t have written a blog post while her baby wriggles around the floor trying to reach various objects, in her increasing attempts to start crawling. She would have left that until after they’ve gone to bed.
Do you have any weird (or just normal, but successful) ways of keeping calm in the face of unwanted pre-school or toddler behaviour? Do you have friends who come across as perfect parents and make you wonder what you’re doing wrong? Do you have friends who you thought were perfect, but turned out to quite normal?
Well done for embracing the calm. keeping calm is very hard for me i have to admitt, but the best way i deal with it is to take myself away from the issue for a few seconds take a few deep breaths and carry on. Obviously it's harder to stay calm when pregnant but i've been trying really hard to let things go over my head. It seems to be working, the girl's were in total hell mode at the beginning of the week, not sleeping, fussing all the time etc but i've kept firm and calm and touch wood things have smoothed over.
ReplyDeleteI did have a friend once who seemed 'perfect' but in the end i found out she was barking lol!! and had no tolerance for other people's children only her own, she would shout and scream at my firend's little boy and blame him for everything when it was actually her little brat that was the pain. I've not spoken to her for a while and i don't plan on it either!! xxxxx
I have a friend who is incredibly funny. This is one of the reasons I love her, we laugh a lot when we are together. She uses humour with her kids to great effect. It keeps everyone in good spirits, and she doesn't have to get mad often. Sometimes its easier just to laugh. I've learned from her to just create as much laughter as possible when dealing with the kids. I'm nowhere near as funny as her, but I try!
ReplyDeleteI try to keep calm, but it doesn't always work. I do put myself in time out (go to the toilet, just sit on a step in the hall) when I get too frustrated. Most of the time it's me being nervous and impatient, not the kids being so bad. It's not always easy to admit that to myself, though. It's easier to blame the kids.
ReplyDeleteWhat you are doing is called pacing, it is a natural rapport building tool. Some folks do it very well and you never notice. When I want to listen well (I don't listen well most of the time) I channel my friend Phil, I move my head like him and occasionally come out with some of his verbal tics but I also listen very well when I do it!
ReplyDeleteI have, on occasion, pretended I was my children's nanny. I used to do it when they were younger - not so much recently. I think the attraction was (a) that I was being paid to keep smiling and being nice to them, and (b) that at the end of the day, I'd go off to my own life. I didn't do it too often, as I thought it probably wasn't very healthy to make it a habit, but there was the odd day when it was a life-saver.
ReplyDeleteI try extra hard to keep my calm face on when in public, it usually fails and I more often achieve a tired, harrassed mummy look.
ReplyDeleteI tend to fail at being calm quite a bit, especially at the moment! I do find getting down on monkey's level and explaining things in my calm (H says 'scary') voice helps. I had a friend I thought was super laid back, never seemed to have any problems, had baby who slept through from 2 days old etc etc, but she's been a bit more honest about the downs as well as the ups since she's had her second!
ReplyDeleteI love this post. I do the chameleon thing with accents too, and it really can get you into trouble! My personal trick for staying calm (as you know, I am far from chilled out, either at work or at home!) is to pretend someone's watching me. I know that sounds odd, but I am capable of being a superbly calm mother in front of people, to the point where many of my friends seek advice from me. This is absurd, as when I'm alone with my children I turn into a screaming banshee. So I just pretend someone's round for tea and is assessing my parenting skills; it never fails...
ReplyDeleteI think it is amazing what you learn about yuro friends as you get to know them more. I have another twin mum friend who I thought was the perfect calm mummy and then we went out and got pissed and I learnt she was real like me! lol Glad your Judith voice is working for you.
ReplyDeletethere is a woman in one of our home ed groups. i cannot take my eyes off her. she has five children all of different ages. they are gracious, knowledgeable, considerate, articulate. she carries a baby and smiles. when one of the enfants commits a faux pas, she says firmly, No. and that works.
ReplyDeleteyou can see why i cannot take my eyes off her. and i cannot for the life of me work out how she does it, beyond being a completely amazingly lovely person with a fantastic well adjusted family.
bugger.
I think we all take bits of other parents whom we admire, its how we learn. So long as you're emulating the good stuff, I think its great!
ReplyDeleteThat's funny about the mimicry - my eldest had a friend at school with a slight lisp and I could always tell when she came home if she had been playing with her that day!
ReplyDeleteAs a rule I find gin keeps me calm and takes the edge off tantrums :-)
Great news that you are coming to CyberMummy....... I have added your blog to my blogroll over at http://www.mummy-tips.com I'm looking forward to getting to know you before the conference in July and if you would like to find out about me.... just follow me back.
ReplyDeleteSee you very soon!
xx
Sian.
I try to keep calm and speak in a quiet yet firm voice nowadays, whereas I used to raise my voice and try to look as strict as possible, but my daughter used to giggle at me and think I was joking, or else take a huff and stomp off (she's 10). I am emulating a friend who had quite rowdy boys but who always kept calm when telling them not to be naughty and those two rowdy boys are now successful lawyers with gorgeous personalities.
ReplyDeleteI try to be calm most of the time (there's a pattern to these comments don't you think?!) and I've got quite good at getting down to their level and explaining why they've done something wrong. It is the best way to deal with S in particular because he needs to know and be told why what he is doing is wrong. But there are days when I scream and shout like an old fishwife. This is why we never complain about our neighbour's howling dog. I'm sure I make more noise! x
ReplyDeleteI'm a complete an utter sucker for Northern accents and can't help but copy them in conversation; sooo embarassing.
ReplyDeleteI have no idea what being calm is; I'm usually frazzled on 26 hour days. I'm an incessant nattering potty mouth and if it's quiet, people think there's something wrong...or I'm asleep!