Tuesday, 3 February 2009

Absent mum

Today, I will be staying away from home without R.

For some reason, this feels like a big moment. A milestone, if you will. It’s not as though we haven’t spent nights apart before; she quite often stays over at my mum’s so we can have a night out, or just so she can stay over with her Granny. It’s not as though she’s not going to be in safe hands. She’ll be with her dad. It’s not as if C hasn’t put her to bed many times before and bathed her and cooked her dinner. it’s not as though he doesn’t collect her from nursery school all the time. While I do tend to do the morning getting up, breakfast, getting dressed and so on, it’s not as though he’s never done it.

There is no reason to worry. And I’m not worried as such. But I do feel weird. Weird because R will be going to sleep in her own bed without me in the house. Weird because when she wakes up in the middle of the night, I will not hear her and go through to her. Weird because when she wakes up in the morning when the light manages to peak under the black-out lining on the curtains, it will be C getting her to greet her, not me.

I also feel quite excited about the prospect of a child-free train journey. The prospect of reading the paper and a book, of playing multi-player brain training games with my mum and sister, of maybe drinking a beer in the hotel bar. And then I feel a little guilty, because the purpose of our journey is to scatter my father’s ashes, not have a fun night away.

11 comments:

  1. Don't feel guilty! It's healthy to have some time away. Honestly. Hope it goes OK, sounds hard. RR

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  2. And what you have just described, I am considering doing for 5 weeks. The knot in my stomach is only just starting. And thinking of you having to scatter your dad's ashes.

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  3. It'll be fine. She'll be fine. You'll be fine and once you scoot out the door, you'll feel great. Enjoy it.

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  4. A jumble of feelings, but you know it'll be fine. And then you'll have the confidence to do it again, and it won't be so hard next time.

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  5. Don't feel guilty - feel like a family, and make your dad proud (((((((()))))))))))

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  6. I think you should grab any opportunity to feel a little joy, especially while you're doing something as monumental as going to scatter your dad's ashes.
    And it's not a bad thing to get away from the little one for a bit. It's good for you and therefore for her.
    Take your pleasures as and when you can. There will be tears too, of that you can be sure.
    I'll think of you.

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  7. Red Rum: Was fine. C had no problems with R, except her getting up earlier than he likes to get up. And I was fine, too. There is a post waiting to be finished, that I'll put up later today.

    HOM: Well, it was fine. Only 24 hours, but fine. I know that when I've had to go up to London for the whole day for work, or something like that, I've worried about it in advance, but once there, it's always been fine. I think that, if you do it, once you're on the boat and have lots of responsibilities and things to think about, you'll be fine. Not that you won't miss them, but you'll be too busy for it to be all-consuming.

    Audrey: Your words actually echo words in my half-written post about the trip. Which will hopefully be posted some time today, if I can find the time! Thanks for visiting.

    Iota: Quite. I did say to C when he said everything had been fine, that I'll have to go away more often.

    MTJAM: Thank you. There was a fair bit of bickering, so not sure how proud he would have been. But we did make it to the right (hopefully) spot, so that's soemthing.

    Mothership: Thank you. It was a big adventure and also fine. At some point today there will be a post about it... though don't hold your breath, as I may not have time until after R's bedtime!

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  8. I know how you feel, but it does get easier...well maybe the time after next x

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  9. I think you'll definately need a drink, best have one for your dad and one for R too.

    Hell, have one for me while you are at it.

    After all those drinks I'm sure the three of you will remember some funny Dad tales to tell.

    And, think of the cuddles and smiles when you get home. See in a way it is a win-win.

    Take care.

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  10. Liz: It was remarkably fine. Might just do it again, some time!

    Suprised: I did have a glass of (very nice) wine. And completely missed out on having a pint of beer in the pub, which I should have done as my dad liked is real ale. Oh well. The cuddles were fantastic.

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