Sunday 13 September 2009

Table manners

Chris tends to be more bothered about table manners than I am. I generally go with the role model good behaviour and ignore the unwanted behaviour, unless it’s really awful. Of course, the latter is a problem because people have different definitions of what is really awful.

At the moment, we’re both fairly consistent on wanting Rosemary to stay at the table during dinner. Because of the role-modelling thing, I get annoyed if Chris gets up from the table when he’s finished, even if he is getting up to load the dishwasher, wash up, feed the dog and so on. If I drew a graph, I believe there would be a direct correlation between Rosemary getting down from the table before she’s finished and Chris getting down from the table before she’s finished.

We are not insistent on Rosemary cleaning her plate. We are insistent on her trying everything and eating a reasonable quantity of the different food stuffs – otherwise no pudding. There’s often a deal of ‘Two more spoonfuls or this and one more spoonful of that, otherwise no ice cream.’ And we’re fairly consistent in this.

But there are other things that don’t bother me and that I think she’ll grow out of gradually, with the right role-modelling. Putting food into her drink, for example. It’s science. It’s cookery experimentation. It’s exploration of different tastes and textures. Just because the idea of mashed potato and orange juice is pretty disgusting to us, doesn’t mean she shouldn’t get to try it for herself. I’m less enamoured with the other way round, because then it means I can’t finish off what she hasn’t eaten, but again I think it’s an exploratory process that needs to be gone through.

Making faces with food in your mouth. Well, it’s not very pleasant, and I’m happy to say ‘Ew, I don’t want to see that.’ but that’s about as far as I’ll go. Whereas Chris has been known to make a big fuss of it.

One of the things that Chris is insistent on, I have fallen in with, but it doesn’t really bother me. When she dislikes something, her inclination is to put it off her plate (which I think is understandable, though obviously a bit messy), whereas Chris wants her to put it aside on the plate. We present a united front here, but if it were up to me I would not be bothered about it at the moment.

Anyway, I think both of us quite differing views about the table manners and when to and not to make a fuss. Thinking back, when I was a child, we generally ate our dinner on our laps while watching Crossroads, so I’m guessing my parents weren’t too fussed about table manners. We just sat down properly when we had guests and for Sunday lunch. Though I don’t remember how it was when I was Rosemary’s age. Pretty sure we didn’t have a TV then, but I don’t really have any recollections of dinner times.

I think we both compromise somewhat to meet in the middle, which is a good way to do it, when your views differ. (I'm sure Chris would tell you that I’m guilty of assuming I know best about all child-rearing issues and tend to forget to discuss them with him, instead expecting him to fall into line with what I think. So, hopefully this is one area where I’m not doing so.) And Rosemary’s generally pretty well-behaved at the dinner, in my opinion, though she does have her moments. If I plotted them on a graph, I think they might coincide with Chris and I having conversations that don’t include her.

What about you? Is three too early to be worrying about table manners? Or too late? If you have another half, do your views coincide with theirs or do you both compromise? Does one of you have the upper hand and the other have to bow down? Do you even notice table manners, or is it something that doesn’t bother you at all?

15 comments:

  1. I'm in denial- I had no idea parenting would be such a minefield!! We're strting slow with 'please' and 'thankyou'. But I'll get back to you in two years!!

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  2. I think we need to let go, and rejoice in the triumph that we manage to get our girls to sit at the table at all! Heidi won't be three until January, but like you, we're in the middle of trying to instil good table manners; we're also subject to dinner table science, where a cup of juice always inevitably ends up a sort of unappetising soup of sweetcorn and bits of carrot. Heidi also likes to steal from our plates, though to be honest, since becoming pregnant with the twins I've personally had to loosen up a bit (I don't have the energy to argue with a waist-high toddler!), and just try to encourage the good habits! I'm fortunate that she enjoys her food, and will have a good go at whatever I put in front of her. For now I'm just trying to focus on how nice it is that we can all sit down together, enjoy some good food and be in each other's company without grousing, for more than ten minutes!

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  3. I have to agree with your outlook on table manners. I try not to make a big fuss over food - because everything I have read suggests that if you make mealtimes a period of tension it only leads to even more fussiness etc. However, I am not as consistent as I would like to be. I have the best of intentions in sitting down with the boys - but am more likely to be faffing about and then get irritated when they are up and down like yo-yos and acting more like they are attending a chimp's tea party than eating a civilised meal. Ex has slightly stricter views - just like Chris - but then he was always the one leaving the table, reading his blackberry, trying to continue to watch the tele, which again to me seemed to just be modelling the very behaviour he was trying to prevent!

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  4. We present a (mostly!) united front with FP (aged 2) and, whilst we don't insist on great manners, as such, we do insist on her eating a reasonable amount and drinking her drink before she gets down. It's a tricky one because she's so young but then again, she's got to learn!

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  5. My eldest is nearly four and we've been working on table manners for the past year or so. He's quite good now and always asks to leave the table when he's finished. I used to let him play with his food but I'm clamping down on that now as he's getting older. We're working on not talking with your mouthful at the moment. I think my husband is a bit more relaxed than me about table manners but we haven't fallen out too much over it. I know if one or both of us is distracted for a moment our son will mess around at the table or get down and wander off. I think table manners are important because you're instilling in them an acceptable level of behaviour - that makes me sounds really strict. I'm not, honest!

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  6. I think table manners are important, because, as I say to my kids, "if I don't teach you, nobody else will". Having said that, you do have plenty of years, so you don't have to do it all in the first few. I think it is important to make the meal table a pleasant social place, so I try not to let nagging over manners get in the way of that.

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  7. I like table manners. I'm not over the top, and I will make allowances for the children's ages, but I'm quite strict. The children don't seem to mind, though. I always tell my eldest I'm glad he's so well-behaved because we have taken him everywhere from when he was born, and we can. This included very fancy restaurants when he was very small, and he behaved perfectly. He likes this, too, because it makes him feel included.

    My daughter is a bit wilder, and I have on one occasion got a babysitter for her and not take her to an occasion, which made me a bit sad. I'm sure she'll catch up in a while, though - she's only one and a half. :-)

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  8. I have also tried not to make mealtimes a period of tension and will let monkey eat as much or as little as she likes. I won't get her anything else if she refuses her meal and will take it away without commenting. She tends to try most things anyway although she has some dislikes (can't get broccoli anywhere near her mouth now but then she's only 17 months!)

    She sometimes likes to eat her pudding then return to her main meal, although that can backfire. We taught her to dip her bread in her soup and the other day she was using her bread to dip into and eat her yoghurt! Gross, but she liked it.

    We do say no to food throwing and I am trying to encourage her to use her fork and spoon, but mainly she prefers eating with her fingers.

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  9. Hmmm...yes - Edie loves the drink in the food routine too - although I don't remember Renée doing it. And she also loves the hand in the mashed potato which drives me crazy. Both of them are pretty good eaters, but they have ants in their pants with regard to staying at the table. I'm hoping they'll grow out of it because they can usually hold it together when they need to (ie in company or at a restaurant). Could be better, could be much worse! x

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  10. I think consistency is important, no matter what you choose to focus on at the table. Kid test all the time to see if Mom an Dad really mean what they say about the rules. If you are consistent as much as possible, you'll have fewer problems down the road.

    I wish all parents even thought about this as much as you do. My family was at a nice Mexican restaurant recently and a 4-year-old at a nearby table was standing on the chair talking loudly and throwing chips on the floor for the staff to pick up. All the while, her Mom and Dad sat there with friends, drinking their beer...

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  11. I'd say start as you mean to go on...making allowances for age....

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  12. I always get paranoid about table manners (and the lack of in my children).

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  13. At last! A post that makes me feel glad to be a single parent, because me rules are the only ones! I've always tried to get IJ to eat nicely at the tabel and I suppose I am quite strict but that's because my parents were and bad table manners put me off my food which would be a disaster!

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  14. Hmm, we are working on this too. In trying to instill good manners I have noticed how bad my own table manners are. I talk with my mouth full, and in fact caught myself saying to my daugher "don't talk with your mouth full" with my own mouth full!

    I think your strategy is perfect, three is about right for learning how to behave at the table. Of course I have an 18month old who plays with his food, throws things about, lets the dog lick his fingers etc (fine in my house at his age) so it is tough to enforce the same rule for both kids and my 3 year old gets away with a lot, but often she acts very mature in order to "teach" her brother, so I'm hoping that will pay off!

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  15. I try to instill good table manners in smurf, he has just turned 3 and we are starting to get a little more full on about it now...however I don't think you should make a huge fuss over it as everything I have read suggests that kids pick up on this and it just makes any mealtime problems worse.

    P.S. there is an award for you over at mine.

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